


Lay Me Down

by book_lover4



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lay Me Down, M/M, Song fic, craft, dont cry, first fanfiction dont hate me, i cry, im sorry, what am I even doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 10:32:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4056751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/book_lover4/pseuds/book_lover4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is gone and Dan tries to deal with the pain of losing him.</p><p>*this is my first fanfiction and i suck with bios. pls don't hate me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lay Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the wonderful song Lay Me Down by Sam Smith. Nor do I own either Dan Howell or Phil Lester.

_Yes, I do, I believe that one day I will be where I was right there right next to you._

 

 

Dan stared at the floor as he held his cereal box with a death grip. The walls were surrounding him, but the only thing keeping them at bay was his belief that when this is all over (and God he wishes it'll be over soon) he can see his best friend once more. He remembers squeezing his friends hand and promising that he'll see him again, that this wasn't over. _Maybe it's all a lie._ But he didn't dwell on that for this is what's keeping him alive.

 

 _And it's hard the days just seems so dark._  

 

He hasn't left their flat in days. The only reason he leaves Phil's bedroom is to go to the bathroom (he doesn't believe in eating anymore). Phil's room used to be colorful, bright. But now it's as if Dan's soul has expanded and snuffed all of  _Phil_ out of this room and now it's an empty shell of what used to be when Phil was  _here_ , but _goddammit_ he's not he's not he's not. 

 

_The moon, the stars are nothing without you._

 

Dan remembers a time when he used to love the night sky. He would look at the vast infinity and think of Phil's smile and then he would smile. But now it's just a painful reminder so he shut the curtains and blinds because he misses his friend and the night sky is simply dark without Phil's smile.

 

_Your touch, your skin where do I begin?_

 

Every night it's the same dream. The first time Dan met Phil. The feeling he had because fuck, Phil was real. Dan could finally hug his best friend. And now that's been stripped from him. Phil isn't  _real_ anymore. Dan can't laugh at him, the phan girls can't show 'heart eyed howell' anymore. Phil was Dan's rock. By a simple pat on the shoulder, or bone-crushing hug Phil could make everything OK. But he can't make this OK because he's gone and that will never be OK.

 

_No words can explain the way I'm missing you._

 

His family is worried about him. He won't answer phone calls or texts. But how could Dan explain to them what he's feeling? There are no words to properly show how much he misses his best-friend. So he shut off his phone and dived under Phil's duvet, hoping to escape the outside world for even just a little while.

 

_Deny this e mptiness this hole that I'm inside._

 

Dan can't make himself make another video. On either his or Phil's account. If he does then he has to pretend that everything's OK when it fucking isn't. He can't deny the hole of vast emptiness that consumes everything. So he doesn't. He's sure that Phil's other friends broke the news on the phandom, so Dan doesn't worry too much (he doesn't worry at all actually). 

 

_  These tears they tell their own story. _

 

Dan found comfort in the thought that Phil was watching over him. Maybe he'd see the tears fall down and see a story in each one. Maybe Phil can see how much Dan misses him.  _Maybe he'll come back._ Dan didn't get his hopes up. Phil isn't coming back, maybe he doesn't want to come back. Dan wouldn't want to either.

 

_ Told me not to cry when you were gone. _

 

"Hey Dan?" Dan jumped at the frail voice of his best-friend.

"Yes?" He quickly grabbed Phil's hand and looked into the older man's eyes.

"Don't cry when I leave." Dan started shaking his head vigorously. The tears started to spring up in his eyes.

"You're not going to die Phil. You aren't." Phil smiled at the younger boy with fondness.

"Sure Dan. But just-promise me." Dan bent his head over their joined hands. He bit his lip to keep from gasping out and crying. He nodded his head weakly, looking back up.

"Sure Phil. Yeah man, anything you want." Phil sighed in obvious relief.

"Thanks Bear."

 

_But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong._

 

Everyone's been telling Dan to stay strong, that it'll get easier as time wore on. But it's been 3 months and nothing has gotten fucking easier. Dan still crumbles and cries every time he sees a picture or something that reminds him of his best friend. Dan just wants to disappear because this life isn't worth living without Phil. It never was. So Dan picked up the razor. But Phil popped up in his mind.  _"Stay strong Dan-you are strong, I believe in you. I lov-"_ And Dan dropped it, along with himself because whoever said time heals all wounds were fucking wrong. Because as long as Phil is gone he'll never heal.

 

_ Can I lay by your side? Next to you, you and make sure you're alright. I'll take care of you. _

 

 

The first place Dan went once he finally made it out the flat was Phil's grave. He leaned against it as he breathed fresh air for the first time in months. His face was sunken, his body extremely thin. His hair was all over the place (he forgot the last time he took a shower). His fingers mindlessly sifted through the dirt. He remembered the first couple words Phil ever said to him in person.

_Phil took the younger, smaller man into his side. The chocolate orbs looked into his curiously. Phil smiled and whispered into his ear, "I'll make sure you're alright. I'll take care of you." Dan laughed and hide his face in Phil's shirt._

Dan got up and left. He didn't like the idea of outside anymore.

 

_I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight._

 

The nights are the hardest. Dan would cry into Phil's pillow (it doesn't even smell like him anymore. Nothing does). He would sob and think, "I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here." Because without Phil Dan is  _nothing._ And all Dan wants is Phil Phil Phil. He just doesn't want to be alive without his best-friend.

 

_I'm reaching out to you can you hear my call?_

 

"This number you are trying-" They finally took off Phil's number. Dan throw his phone off to the side and put up the hood on Phil's Jack hoodie. He hesitantly reached for the phone again and got on to YouTube. Phil's face popped up and he clicked on it. His voice flooded Dan's ears and he cried as he watched his friend look so excited. It was as if Phil was alive again and was just in another room. Dan looked up, closed his eyes and sighed.

"Phil." He croaked out. "Just come back buddy. I miss you so fucking much." But he got nothing in response.

 

_This hurt that I've been through, I'm missing you, missing you like crazy._

 

There's no denying Dan misses Phil. But god _fuck_ , he misses Phil. Dan can't think of anything in this world that could hurt worse than the death of his best-friend.  _I miss you I miss you I miss you._

 

_Can I lay by your side? Next to you You._

 

Dan begs Phil every second to let Dan see him. To allow Dan to commit suicide. But every time he thinks of Phil's last words and he drops whatever death device he has. But the bills are piling, along with the phone calls. He knows YouTube will take down Phil's account, and when they do it'll be the last straw for Dan. Because he  _will_ do it, it's only a matter of when.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I cried so many times writing this. Please be kind! I poured my soul into this, and I hope it counts. At the end I didn't add the rest of the song, I just skipped to the end so yeah... hoped you liked it! Should I write more?? Idk...


End file.
